Why I’m voting Democrat

[archerships]

cmpriest posted this amusing, if somewhat unfair, skewering of the Republicans:

In the same spirit, here’s my reasons for voting Democrat:

I’m voting Democrat because I think that, except for abortion, women can’t be trusted to make medical decisions about their own bodies.

I’m voting Democrat because I support free speech, unless you want to talk about sexist jokes, unapproved medicines, or unapproved stocks.

I’m voting Democrat because I think our hospitals should be run with the same care and efficiency as the DMV, the Post Office, and the IRS.

I’m voting Democrat because I oppose corporate welfare, unless its farm subsidies to large corporations in early primary states.

I’m voting Democrat because the best way to handle business monopolies is to regulate them with an even bigger monopoly. A monopoly that will kill you if you refuse to pay.

I’m voting Democrat because inner city blacks are too violent to be trusted with guns.

I’m voting Democrat because spending other people’s money makes me feel charitable.

I’m voting Democrat because I think those who oppose stem cell research are anti-scientific religious fanatics. Ban genetically modified corn now!

I’m voting Democrat because I simultaneously think that oil use should be cut back drastically to prevent global warming, and that oil companies should be punished severely for raising oil prices.

I’m voting Democrat because I think that the Bush administration has been 8 years of lies, incompetence, and corruption. But I’m sure if we turn over remaining control of the healthcare system to them, they will do a good job.

I’m voting Democrat because I think selfish, greedy businessmen and lawyers magically become altruistic public servants when elected to office.

I’m voting Democrat because I think that having 1 vote in 80,000,000 will give me more power than being able to keep my money in the first place.

I’m voting Democrat because I think a million voting ignoramuses can make better decisions than I can.

I’m voting Democrat because while I wouldn’t voluntarily give more of _my_ money to the government, I’m happy to take some of _yours_.

I’m voting Democrat because I think it’s a woman’s right to choose, unless she chooses cigarettes, motorcycles without helmets, violent video games, or non-pasteurized milk.

I’m voting Democrat because taxing blacks at a higher rate than every one else would stunt their economic growth. But taxing _everyone_ more will boost the economy.

I’m voting Democrat because I’m too irresponsible to plan for my own retirement.

I’m voting Democrat because I can’t afford my $800,000 house, and I want taxpayers to bail me out.

I’m voting Democrat because I deserve a job for life, even though I’m incompetent.

I’m voting Democrat because getting sick entitles me to take some of your stuff.

I’m voting Democrat because the best way to fight inflation is to print more money.

I’m voting Democrat because bloodletting is the best way to treat patients dying of hemorrhage.

I’m voting Democrat because I can’t be trusted to educate my own children.

I’m voting Democrat because you should only be allowed to to buy products made by teamsters.

I’m voting Democrat because I want to get money out of politics — unless the money comes from trial lawyers, Teamsters, or the RIAA.

I’m voting Democrat because I support legalizing marijuana. We should still lock up those heroin, cocaine, and LSD users though.

I’m voting Democrat because I support a women’s right to choose — unless she chooses to have sex for money.

I’m voting Democrat because it’s better that 100,000 people die from lack of a drug that was never developed than 100 photogenic kids be born with flippers.

I’m voting Democrat because it’s okay to discriminate against brown people, as long as they’re born outside the U.S.

I’m voting Democrat because if the government doesn’t spend your money, you will just burn it. At least that’s my assumption when I do a cost benefit analysis.

I’m voting Democrat because I think the best way to fight an administration trampling my rights is to hold hearings on steroid abuse in Major League Baseball.

Original: craschworks - comments

Comments

[afb.livejournal.com]

I love both of them. \o/

[pasquin.livejournal.com]

You forget, 'together we can'. When Obama is President, rainbows will be brighter, Fat men will get lucky, cause will not follow effect...

Add your favorite non sequitur.

[afb.livejournal.com]

Yeah, this is exactly the point I try to make when people ask me why I'm not in favor of socialized medicine. (I always get the response of "But the insurance companies suck, too!" It's not like people think "Do you want to be hit with a hammer or tossed down some stairs?" is a reasonable choice, but apparently "I don't support socialized medicine" = "I want people to be sick and hurt and die from lack of medical care" to a lot of folks. OH WELL.)

[crasch.livejournal.com]

I think people have this weird belief that the people they favor will always been the ones with power.

[afb.livejournal.com]

I call it the Kennedy/Nixon paradox -- government is awesome and can do Great Wonderful Noble Things, it's only when Bad People make it into power that things go wrong. They seem to miss the part where we spend about equal time under the rule of people they consider Good and the people they consider Bad. In fact, in modern memory, we have 12 years of Reagan/Bush, 8 years of Clinton, and 8 years of Bush The Younger -- seems like a 2:1 Bad People to Good People ratio¹, right? And yet they still want these people in charge of their health plan?

The part I really like is when they're also not in favor of the death penalty, because they don't want the government to be in control of who lives and who dies. Because health care isn't about life or death or anything, right?




¹: Note that I am not saying these are the good and bad people, but rather, these are the liberal-voters' opinions on who was good and bad.

[pasquin.livejournal.com]

Simply brilliant. I have only one addendum:

I'm voting Democrat because I support a woman's right to choose, unless it is to defend herself - with a gun.

[afb.livejournal.com]

Or even "...because I think rape kits are a better way to stop rapists than handguns."

[zzzing.livejournal.com]

wow. well done.
so awesome.

[zzzing.livejournal.com]

i'm stealing them with a props to you

[crasch.livejournal.com]

Cool!

[crasch.livejournal.com]

Yes, I agree that there's a big difference.

He does want to ban cloning though.

[rah.livejournal.com]

You had me worried there for a moment until I clicked on the cut link.

I’m voting Democrat because I deserve a job for life, even though I’m incompetent.

Doesn't that make you french? ;)

[crasch.livejournal.com]

Same attitude.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you! When I watched the original video, I wanted to see one for the flip side as well. This is terrific. (And both put together are a great explanation for why I am not happy claiming allegiance to either party.)

[daphnep.livejournal.com]

Ha, ha:

I’m voting Democrat because I think our hospitals should be run with the same care and efficiency as the DMV, the Post Office, and the IRS.

Yeah, can't really say anything about the IRS because I haven't dealt with them lately, but I did have the opportunity to go to the Post Office last week to mail a package. I got it mailed. (It also went where it was supposed to. I got the confirmation back just today...via the same Postal Service).

Also just last week, I went to the DMV to get a driver's license. I walked out with a driver's license in hand.

A month back, I went to a different DMV to get a car title transferred. I got that title transferred.

I also went, not too long ago, to a hospital, for health care. Didn't, however, get health care. Spent much longer there than I did at the Post Office and DMV, and got nothing for it.

So this attempt at a punchy illustration isn't really so punchy, after all.

[crasch.livejournal.com]

I'm voting Democrat because I reason by anecdote.

[daphnep.livejournal.com]

Heh. I just had to do a double-take at that line, 'cause for a second I wasn't sure what you meant the implied answer to be, and it was contrary to your other implied answers.

[zzzing.livejournal.com]

you need to use this wit more often. i didn't know you had it in you.

[flw.livejournal.com]

I'm voting for the Straw Man, because the Tin Man and the Lion are harder to burn.

[jenny-zzz.livejournal.com]

Damn, I was gonna make a post like this when I got home tonight, but you beat me to it. Kudos to you :D (Happened upon this from a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend)

[crasch.livejournal.com]

Glad you liked it!