Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

[archerships]

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/17/fashion/weddings/17FIELDBOX.html?ex=1324011600&en=177d7653fb0b85d7&ei=5090&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss

Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:



1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Comments

[chutzpahgirl.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine (who got married this year) posted this to her blog last week. I didn't think that this list was sufficient, mostly because I would ask more detailed questions about past relationships, financial commitments, and career aspirations.

[crasch.livejournal.com]

Yes, I agree. What questions would you have asked?

[chutzpahgirl.livejournal.com]

Most of my questions would be sub-questions to the broad categories encompassed by these questions:
1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
- How many children will we have?
- How will we divide the child care duties?
- Will one of us stay home with the children until they are school-aged? Until what age?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
- Have we shared credit reports and have an EXACT understanding of the debts that we bring to this marriage, whether they be secured or unsecured?
- What are our financial goals? How well do they match up?
- What value do we place on money? How will we negotiate our fights about money?
- What dollar amount will be our threshold for "major purchases" above which we discuss before purchasing?
- Will we have a joint bank account or separate bank accounts?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
This question is idiotic because it presupposes that one person will "manage" the chores. What exactly does that mean? It should ask: how will we divide our household chores? What about seasonal chores? What are my standards for cleanliness and do they mesh with my partner's expecations?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
- Are we fully aware of our families' health histories, especially if there is a history of abuse or addiction in either family?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
- How much affection do we feel is appropriate in public?
- Are there people in front of whom we should not kiss/hug/make out? (Parents, grandparents)

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?
- What about fantasies?
- Are we in agreement about how often we should have sex? Are we in agreement about how intensely we should have sex?
- How do we feel about pornography?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?
What else will we allow in the bedroom? I think the video camera thing is apt! :)

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?
- How have our previous fights shaken out?
- Do we dig up past hurts unfairly?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
No quibbles with this question.

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?
- (if a hetero couple) How do we feel about close friends of the opposite sex?
- (if a gay couple) How do we feel about close friends of the same sex?
- How much time is appropriate to spend with our respective friends?
- Do we agree about which other couples with whom to socialize?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
I have a big-ass family, so in my case it would be is either of us concerned that siblings/cousins/aunts/uncles/grandparents will interfere with the relationship?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
I think this one should be phrased "What are each of us not willing to compromise?"

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?
I think this question is not quite relevant to couples today, who frequently live far away from both families. But it also implies another question: will one of our careers take precedence over the other's?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?
- What are our dealbreakers? Is cheating a dealbreaker? What about addiction? Sickness? Etc.

[crasch.livejournal.com]

Great questions! Thanks. I especially like the questions in 15). What are your dealbreakers?

[chutzpahgirl.livejournal.com]

Oh, and, if this is a second marriage, have we decided how we will spend our time with the pre-existing family?

What are our educational goals and will that interfere with our marriage/cause resentment?

And then there are the keeper exercises: has he bought tampons/sanitary pads/yeast infection medication for me? Does she open the door for me too? Are we always finding ways to make each other happy in a non-manipulative way?

I could probably add to my list ad nauseum, but then again, I think it's really damn important, especially if you really want to be married for life.

I have a two-year rule for dating before marriage (engagement can be inclusive). I feel that 24 months is about sufficient time to see your potential life partner in almost every conceivable situation.

[crasch.livejournal.com]

I feel that 24 months is about sufficient time to see your potential life partner in almost every conceivable situation.

That's a pretty good rule. It's also enough time to get past the "new relationship buzz".

[perspectivism.livejournal.com]

7b) Will there be a television in the house?
7c) Will there be a video camera in the bedroom?


;)

[crasch.livejournal.com]

Heh, yes, important questions both.

[perspectivism.livejournal.com]

16) Will the future be just like the past in every important respect except the ones we omnisciently predict?

This is fun!!

[timtad.livejournal.com]

paper off the top of roll or bottom?

45 or 9mm?
If the answer to this is "huh?" or "both are evil", game's over.

[the-xtina.livejournal.com]

My answer has always been "over, subversively".  If it's not over, it is when I leave.

[timtad.livejournal.com]

?

[ernunnos.livejournal.com]

Game's also over if she answers ".40!" However, if she says ".44", marry her without a pre-nup. She's a keeper.

[timtad.livejournal.com]

no .40 !? blasphemer. :-), now revolver versus automatic....

I generally meant that they should agree on core issues like guns, and since I think anti-gun folks are fools, I phrased my question that way.

Religion comes to mind, as does some political outlooks, hunting vs. animal rights, etc.; any polarizing yet non-obvious position.

[ernunnos.livejournal.com]

.40 is yet another attempt to get something for nothing. "The power of a .45 in the size of a 9mm!" Girl who brings that philosophy to a relationship is a probably a gold digger. :-)

[timtad.livejournal.com]

I allways tell the girls I have the power of a 45 in my 9mm

[ljmorris.livejournal.com]

Heh. Yeah, I wish I'd known the answer to a few of these before taking the plunge. Divorced now. Go figure.

[crasch.livejournal.com]

Which one's did you miss?

[sicarii.livejournal.com]

I'm surprised that people don't already know to ask these questions. Before my last marriage (and subsequent divorce), I should have asked, "Will your yiffing on FurryMuck interfere with our sex life?"

[crasch.livejournal.com]

"I should have asked, "Will your yiffing on FurryMuck interfere with our sex life?""


* adds to list *

[crasch.livejournal.com]

Were you aware that he yiffed on FurryMuck before you married?

[sicarii.livejournal.com]

I wasn't fully aware of his furry involvement at the time. ... but it's not really something you routinely ask, you know? (Although, after that experience, I jokingly asked everyone I dated whether they were a closet furry.)

[crasch.livejournal.com]

True. And I suppose given the ridicule furries often attract, he may not have answered forthrightly in any case.

[kittles.livejournal.com]

This list is strikingly similar to the one John and I used before I moved out here. I think you could add a whole lot more to it, too.

[crasch.livejournal.com]

Yes, I agree, it could be expanded. Any questions that you forgot to ask?

[kittles.livejournal.com]

The biggest thing starting out was asking what I could throw away. :p When combining households, that becomes really important. And sometimes what looks liek trash to you, isn't!

[crasch.livejournal.com]

Indeed. No one messes with my underwear collection!

[kenshi.livejournal.com]

If people think questions like these are critical to maintaining a healthy marriage, no wonder the divorce rate is so high.

[crasch.livejournal.com]

What questions do you think people should ask?

[herbaliser.livejournal.com]

my take on it is more that they are super obvious

[crasch.livejournal.com]

Yes. You'd think that most would be answered during the dating phase. What do you think are important non-obvious questions?

[herbaliser.livejournal.com]

I dunno, I've never been married.

Pre-Marrieage Questions

[cspowers.livejournal.com]

Mmm Hmmm. Doing a bit of prep work, eh?

Re: Pre-Marrieage Questions

[crasch.livejournal.com]

Yes. Though no plans to marry in the immediate future.